Established In 1633
Many have endeavored to record an authoritative history regarding the foundations of America’s first deep state. However, with many apocryphal documents floating around academia, historians can only glean what they can from folklore like the Ballad of Charles Pedro, which survives in Phishport oral traditions to this day. This song remains a mainstay at the Phishport Dive Bar, and affirms what many to believe the town’s seminal year, 1633.
Per Houston, the Dive Bar Owner And Barkeep, The Seminal Indentured Servant Charles Pedro Tells It Thus:
CHARLES PEDRO:
Long time ago, back when that there Boston was the sticks,
‘The Pilgrims come here on the Anne, an’ birth a girl named Prudence Dixe.
UNDERARM FISH*:
Yes, a girl name Prudence Dixe, chanted the oppossms.CHARLES PEDRO:
Now Dixe’s dad was a fisher-man, oft’ who was at sea;
And Prudence Dixe she miss him bad; sh’ say “I want you here with me!”
UNDERARM FISH:
She said, I want you here with me!CHARLES PEDRO:
So she’d skip school and wait out on the piers by Beacon Hill
Daddy get back; she jump an’ hug ‘im, glad he wasn’t killed.
One day she wait and wait there, when Daddy s’possed return
She a’feared somethin’ powerful that she was gonna learn.UNDERARM FISH:
She was gonna learn.CHARLES PEDRO:
Her daddy nary come off that ship again like Prudence fix’d.
But pirates come off Daddy’s boat an’ say: “ARR! He swimmin’ with the fishes!”UNDERARM FISH
ARR! He swimmin’ with the fishes!CHARLES PEDRO:
Now, many a crazy hoss tarried out on Beacon Hill
The Beacon was supposed to guard ole’ Boston-town but stillA native man – Em’rald necklace clan, one a’ Daddy slaves
Saw Prudence in distress an’ thought he’d get back at that knave.
UNDERARM FISH:
Yes, the medicine man, em’rald necklace clan would get back at that knave.
CHARLES PEDRO:
See, Prudence say she want to go with Dad a’swimmin’ with the fishes.
An’ the em’rald nec’lace injun servant granted her her wishes.UNDERARM FISH:
From The Ballad Of Charles Pedro
Yes, he granted Dixe her wishes.
Prudence had asked the medicine man, “Perchance do ye know wherefore mariners yonder reported that my father is swimming with the fishes?”
Massachusetts Revisionist History For The Modern Woke Government School, Chapter 2, p. 10
“I kahn show you,” half-whispered the medicine man slowly and deeply, uncoiling his fist to reveal a scarred palm. The medicine man then reached underneath his coat to yank off a fish with large, bloody teeth and hold it out to Prudence. Even more peculiar than the blood dripping out of the fish’s mouth, were its violent convulsions.”
“You kahn sweem wit thees fish,” the medicine man spoke with words seeming to eminate as vomit from his gut.
“Aye,“ Prudence uttered, afraid, “but I cannot swim-“
“You kahn sweem with thees fish,” the medicine man repeated a little louder, squeezing the convulsing, blood-mouthed fish as he held it out to Prudence so it wouldn’t escape- backing Prudence into the corner edge of the pier.
With no other choice, Prudence took the fish in her hands, and as soon as it was in her arms the bloodthirsty monster wriggled its way underneath her blouse. Prudence screamed.
“You kahn sweem wit thees fish!” the medicine man yelled over lightening and thunder, with a broader smile and increasingly mysterious eyes gleaming the same iridescent green as his necklace, choppy waters flashing below.
Prudence grabbed the medicine man’s fish necklace to steady herself; but the necklace snapped and fell onto the rocky shore beside the pier.
CHARLES PEDRO:
From The Ballad Of Charles Pedro
The medicine man – of the Em’rald Clan – scared Prudence off the pier.
She kicked and screamed, but the injun say, I don’t div a gamn my dear;
I look out from my cabin – sad cuz’ I known from the start
That somehow Prudence Dixe’d be the one to break my heart.
Yes, that girl – she done break my heart.
She went down out to the deep in sixteen thirty-three
She made a world where they don’t take to folk like you an’ me.
Yeah, folk like you an’ me.
Some of the elders of Boston, responding to the Beacon, had arrived. Prudence’s uncle remarked to the elders, “That’s Prudence’s colf.”
Another called out, “Halt, Blackamoor! What are you doing here?” and one of the elders cocked his shot.
Charlie remembered looking at the elder’s double barrel, seeing they had already tried, found guilty, and sentenced him in their minds. Charlie then remembered looking from the axes and knarled chops of the other elders to the choppy waves below the pier.
Teddy suspected, to his dismay, that Charlie’s face now looked at least a few years over thirty as Charlie continued:
Massachusetts Revisionist History For The Modern Woke Government School, Chapter 2, p. 11
CHARLES PEDRO:
You prob’ly don’t take any stock in fish tales of this sort
From The Popular Folk Ballad Of Charles Pedro
You prob’ly a worldly man, of, circumstance- pomp, tort.
But mark this, shore’s you born kid, -yessir- sure as this here wart-
Prudence made a world where we ain’t welcome called Phishport.
ARMPIT FISH:
Yes, Prudence made a world where we ain’t welcome – called Phishport.
*Alternative scrolls read, “OPOSSUMS”